In 2002, after twenty-eight happy years together, I lost my job—and the foundation of my marriage began to crumble.
Stress from work had already been leaking into our home. My wife’s health spiraled. I suffered depression and PTSD. We didn’t lose money. We didn’t lose love. But we were losing each other—and we didn’t know why.
We started fighting. Loudly. Constantly. And at one point, my wife said:
“Don’t be so needy.”
That word—needy—sent me down a path that would change my life.
Over the next ten years, I read more than fifty relationship books. Academic texts. Bestsellers. Counseling guides.
They all said the same thing up front:
Unmet Needs are the root cause of relationship conflict.
But bizarrely, none of them explained what those Needs actually were. They didn’t offer a list. They didn’t offer a framework. They just… moved on.
I kept searching. Conflict resolution books. Maslow. Therapy literature. Same thing.
I even asked local therapists and counselors:
“What are the Needs couples are supposed to meet for each other?”
Mostly, I got shoulder shrugs. Vague answers. No specifics.
Then something clicked. A friend told me his wife had left him, saying:
“You don’t meet my Needs anymore.”
I realized every divorced person I knew had said the same thing.
The Needs were real. The problem was—we didn’t know what they were.
In spring of 2013, mid-argument with my wife, I suddenly saw myself from the outside.
I was arguing—but also watching myself argue. And I realized, I didn’t know what I needed. But right at that moment I wasn’t getting it.
It was a moment of grace because as my mind replayed the fight, I saw the previous ten seconds replay like a slow-motion video.
I noticed the quick turn of her shoulders. The sharp glance. The scathing tone. All the cues I’d overlooked before now stood out as triggers—signs of something deeper.
In that instant, I saw the hidden pattern. The behavior I was reacting to wasn’t just upsetting. It revealed one of my unmet Needs—something I didn’t yet have the language for, but could finally feel in my bones.
I stopped arguing. I told my wife what I saw. She called me crazy and kept going. But I didn’t. I stepped outside, not looking to escape—but to find out more about my Needs.
Specifically, I wanted to know: What role do behaviors play in triggering unmet Needs between couples?
During that quest, soon after, a wise old friend re-entered my life. When I told him what I’d been through, he showed me something remarkable.
It was a long-hidden empirical research study that had statistically validated our Behavioral Needs—core ways we each need to be treated to stay emotionally secure and connected.1
Based on that research was a personality assessment—used quietly for decades in top corporations. It helped business leaders avoid conflict and build stronger teams.2,3
Then he said something I’ll never forget:
“Understanding our Needs unlocks the secret to successful couple communication and connection.”
That’s when the puzzle came together. The science was real. The problem wasn’t that Needs didn’t matter—it was that no one had ever shown us how to name them, see them in behavior, or use them to stay in love.
And that’s what this book is about.
📘 Relationship Needs reveals: