Coming Soon! Relationship Needs Peer Group For Therapists

"What I am discovering is that our Needs seem to be at the root of EVERY relationship struggle."

“Focusing on Needs facilitates other well-known approaches to couple counseling.” —Jennifer Brown, Licensed Counselor | Adjunct Psychology Professor

Relationship Needs Book Cover

Helping struggling couples can feel like hitting the same wall over and over.

Many couples get stuck in patterns they can’t see, let alone change. Their conflicts are driven by hidden Oppositional Forces—powerful behavioral differences that create blind spots, fuel resentment, and cause each partner to dig in.

What’s missing isn’t love or commitment—it’s a clear, science-backed framework to help couples understand the root causes of their friction and make real behavioral changes.

Relationship Needs offers that framework—and gives couples (and practitioners) a shared language for understanding what motivates us, along with simple actionable tips to meet each other's Needs in real time.

A shared structure for real-time change

Relationship Needs introduces ten universal Behavioral Needs that span the core dynamics of every long-term relationship: how we speak to one another, how we socialize, set the pace, deal with feelings, make decisions, make plans, share rewards, focus our attention, think things through, and compete.

By identifying the specific behaviors that meet or violate these Needs, the book helps couples:

A research-based foundation for clinical use

Relationship Needs is the first relationship book based on empirical data and validated behavioral science. It translates a powerful model used for decades in organizational psychology into language and tools that works in therapy, coaching, and community settings.

What’s inside:

When our Needs are fulfilled, we experience positive emotions:

When we: We feel:
Accurately understand each other’s NeedsAccepted
Speak a shared language of our NeedsConnected
Accept each other’s differing NeedsRespected
Are responsive to each other’s NeedsAttuned
Have our Needs requests well receivedAcknowledged
Try to meet each other’s Needs when possibleAffirmed
Create win-win solutions to meet our NeedsLoved

But when our Needs go unmet, negative emotions take their toll:

When we: We feel:
Experience denial of our NeedsRejected*
Lack a shared language of NeedsFrustrated
Have our partner’s Needs projected on usDisregarded
Get judged for our differing NeedsHurt, Shut Down
Have Need-fulfillment requests get ignoredAngered
Find that our Needs can’t be heardLonely, Disconnected
Have our Needs willfully violatedFearful or Resentful

* The negative emotions and stressed-out behaviors which directly result from unmet Needs are italicized in Relationship Needs to show us the cause and effect relationship between unmet needs and stressed-out behavior.

Want to Explore the Relationship Needs Framework?

Therapists, counselors, clergy, and coaches are using Relationship Needs to bring new language, insight, and momentum to their work with couples.

Join our early-access list for the upcoming Relationship Needs Peer Group for Therapists—a professional community using the framework in real-world practice.”.

What early readers are saying

What I am discovering is that our Needs seem to be at the root of EVERY relationship struggle—and focusing on them facilitates other well-known approaches to couple counseling. (Attachment Theory, Gottman, EFT, ABC, Imago Therapy)
–Jennifer Brown
Licensed Professional Counselor
Adjunct Professor of Psychology
Relationship Needs is a helpful and easy-to-read guide for couples who want to improve or strengthen their relationship. What makes this book stand out from other relationship books is its unique emphasis on Needs, which is a fresh and relatable framework that helps readers identify what's truly driving their relationship dynamics.
–Abigail F.
Licensed Therapist
Most authors present the word Needs as if we are supposed to know what it means. Relationship Needs is the only book that clearly explains what our Needs are—and how to meet them to stay in love.
–Claire H.
The 188 relationship tips and warning signs are 👏 the 👏 GOLD! 👏”
–Nadia G.
We experienced changes in our Needs, as a couple, particularly when we have changed jobs, switched churches, or moved, and when every baby was born. So when my husband and I mentor premarital couples, we tell them to try to find out everything they can about the other person. All that is to say that Relationship Needs could be useful to couples before marriage and at various stages over the years. I really think it could help people.
–Jenny G.
This is sound, actionable advice. Seeing solutions that are already working for us in the tips chapters made me appreciate how grounded the advice actually is.
–Gerald B.
Relationship Needs is not just “Communicate to your partner.” It gives steps on WHAT to communicate about. I can’t think of anything I’ve read that really dug into the WHAT question.
–Carmen Marie W.
Relationship Needs brings things down to the root of the problems. It helps us look at ourselves—and avoid the blame game.
–Jennie C.
Finally being able to express a long-unmet Need is such a relief. It really feels like a weight lifted. This message is so important. Our Needs don’t change—and we’re not selfish for having them or speaking them aloud.
–Kyle L.
This was an amazing read. On a scale of 1-10 I think you get 20!! It broke the scale. You are speaking about things that other books just don’t understand. It really helps me to feel more confident about my own life and relationships. This advice is a breakthrough to say at the least. The advice is both practical and do-able. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.
–Julissa L.
People want pinpointed advice that pertains most directly to their relationships. Focusing on Needs allows for more people to see their own situations.
–Alyssa Y.
I love that Relationship Needs is told in conversations rather than from a scientific or a direct psychological point of view. The tone makes it feel personal and like I’m being talked to rather than studying or being talked at. It is very comforting and reassuring.
–Nicole R.
A lot of these stories made me see how simple and easy compromise is when it normally feels like a chore or like it is going to be difficult to come to a solution.
–Julissa L.
I use every Shortcut in my marriage, and we’ve been married for thirty years. My wife is appreciating what I’ve learned.
–Emily P.
I was compelled to see Birkman’s well-documented behavioral-science applied to relationships. Relationship Needs is a practical, get-down-to-brass-tacks, actionable book that I feel would help men especially.
–Rachel C.
I understood The 5 Love Languages and how we want to express our love. But I never thought it could go far deeper. Even though my fiancé and I have a great relationship, Relationship Needs can take us to the next level of understanding each other’s Needs.
–Britt M.
The most breakthrough proposition is the reconstruction of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you. That rule plagues relationships where people are fundamentally different. (Doesn’t every rom-com tell us opposites attract?) Relationship Needs redefines the Golden Rule in such a beautiful way. I genuinely think it’s how it should always be interpreted.
–Leina M.
When my wife follows these tips, I feel seen and safe—even when we’re navigating difficult conversations. Understanding and applying this has made a huge difference.
–James W.
My degree in Psychology has made me skeptical of self-help and adjacent books—but I’m very glad I read Relationship Needs. There were numerous “aha moments” where I recognized a pattern of behavior and was finally able to put a name to it. Even better, the book walked us through ways of working through and around our Needs and behavioral issues. Not only do I understand myself better, but I feel more equipped to understand my partner so we can meet each other where we’re at and work together.
–Katie S.
It’s very simple and easy to digest. It makes it easy for people to understand how to use it in their daily lives.
–Caitlyn R.
Relationship Needs speaks about things that other books just don’t understand. It really helps me to feel more confident about my own life and relationships. The advice is practical and doable.
–Julissa L.
This book gave me language for things I’ve long struggled to articulate in my relationship. It doesn’t just explain why we clash—it shows how our needs operate under stress, and how to navigate those moments with clarity and care. Thoughtful, structured, and emotionally intelligent, it’s a powerful tool for couples who want to grow together.
–Roberto H.
This felt way more practical than most relationship books I’ve read, which tell you to communicate better or learn to compromise without really showing you how. This one actually gave language and structure to stuff I’ve felt in relationships but couldn’t explain. I’d give it a solid 8.5. It’s not overly woo-woo or academic. It hits that sweet spot of being useful without being preachy.
–Yasmin L.
I learned that my wife needs direct and straightforward communication, which is a skill I’m still learning. Having a book that brings this dynamic to light within the first twenty pages could have saved us a lot of arguments. This is wonderful.
–Dustin K.
I realized I had been either unsure of or incorrect on how to behave to meet my wife’s Needs for the past thirty years—both potentially fatal relationship mistakes. I finally gained certainty on how to treat my wife to meet her Needs consistently.
–Paula F.
The Respect Tips connected a lot of dots for us. It helped my wife and I identify our Needs and use the Shortcut. It was also an AHA! moment for our stressed-out behaviors. This type of experience for a relationship help book is truly remarkable in my experience.
–Rebecca W.
Relationship Needs offers basic concepts broken down into real-world examples and steps to implement.
–Tiffany L.
The biggest thing that stuck with me is that whole idea of “unmet Needs showing up as stressed-out behavior.” Like the stuff that annoys me in a relationship might actually be my partner trying to communicate a Need. Definitely a perspective shift.
–Rania V.
The Planning Need tips are EXACTLY what works for planning with my ADHD partner.
–Catherine W.
For most of us, listening for our Needs may just as well be a foreign language (because it is, really). In Chapter 24, the list of reactions we experience when our Needs aren’t met gives us an incredible range of emotions we may have never put into words.
–Eve G.
I got triggered by some of the stories, which made me realize what my Needs were for the first time.
–Becca H.
The secret to simplifying our relationship on page 109 really did it for me. I had lots of aha moments about unmet Needs’ issues we’ve had in our marriage. But that was the big one that showed me how to put all this information to use.
–Teresa N.
The Reward Needs tips really helped me see how unmet Needs can show up in everyday financial decisions, which was truly eye opening.
–Noah L.
The parts about how we learned to ignore our Needs were especially enlightening for me. Even though it wasn’t the most central idea, it illuminated a difficulty I have in recognizing what my own Needs are, and helped me understand that as a patterned response, not a personal failing.
–Jacob T.
I feel like this book removes all the clutter and says, “If you want to get along with your partner–or understand why you haven’t been before–this is how to do it.”
–Joseph A.
Relationship Needs is not heavy or harsh on readers. It gently opens up new areas of self-awareness and communication. I genuinely think it will benefit my boyfriend and me.
–Lila M.
I know a lot of communication stuff because of my own therapy and the special Needs of my kids, but Relationship Needs is more extensive. I will encourage my husband to read it. I wish my parents had read this book.
–Marie W.
I don’t have deep experience reading relationship self-help books, but I have a long personal history with therapy and a strong interest in psychology. From that perspective, Relationship Needs stood out as offering a thoughtful, structured way to map and name relational dynamics without pathologizing them. The focus on Needs as relational patterns, rather than diagnoses or traits, felt distinct and practically useful.
–Rafael C.
I enjoyed reading the different conversations and scenarios between real-life couples. It made me more determined to take the advice—seeing it working for the couples in the book.
–Teresa O.
By the third story, I realized that even if this isn’t how the people I know necessarily talk during a fight, it IS how we feel and think during one. That is VERY helpful in seeing our own arguments and feelings in a new light.
–Carly A.
Our Needs reminds me of Dave Ramsey who provides extremely common-sense financial advice by offering basic concepts broken down into real-world examples and steps to implement. Our Needs does that for relationships.
–Tiffany L.
Relationship Needs it the best "self help" type of book I've ever read. Honestly, t he flow, the writing, the stories, the science... All of it resonated with me at a high level. People NEED to read this book .
–Brian C.

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